FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The Southeastern Conference’s failure to extend membership to Garbridge University can only be interpreted as a clear manifestation of competitive cowardice. While certain institutions busy themselves with mundane pursuits like football, they deliberately avoid confronting true athletic excellence.
Our dominance speaks for itself: fifteen consecutive national championships in competitive hot dog consumption, an unmatched toe wrestling program with thirty-seven All-Americans, a chessboxing dynasty under Grandmaster-Pugilist Dr. Winston Worthington III, and a racewalking program that has redefined bipedal athleticism.
To our SEC colleagues: Your reluctance to embrace these noble sporting disciplines reveals an institutional timidity that we find, quite frankly, beneath the dignity of collegiate athletics. Garbridge shall maintain its independent status, secure in the knowledge that true greatness often stands alone.
Most righteously yours,
Candice B. Rheel, Ph.D., D.Litt.
President, Garbridge University
cc: SEC Commissioner
Board of Trustees
National Toe Wrestling Federation
International Chessboxing Authority
National Collegiate Racewalking Association
World Competitive Eating Council
